Have you ever leaned on a door as hard as you could so you wishing it would just open wide and splatter your guts along the freewa

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Exactly

Started Abilfy it’s been a week and I feel like I am dying just a little.

My stomach is trying to murder me from the inside.

Sos lol

Thank god my love is not phased by it. He understands more than anyone considering he takes 7 meds daily 2x

I love my polar bear papa and he loves me In the worse states and the best. He sees the different facets of my personality and he loves me anyway. I’m lucky.

Last night wasn’t too good for a small portion of it. Found out he lied about something that happened in his past and it triggered me. We got into a loud argument and I hurt my knee. But afterwards we talked for hours to better understand each other. And we had the best sex ever. We usually do. Lol

I can’t wait to start therapy. And I hope they approve my disability because lord knows I can’t survive off of nada. Especially trying to get us both through considering my love is a student.

Choppy

I have been out of work for about two weeks now and my mind has just been on a roller coaster of intense extreme emotions. Including feeling like absolutely nothing. My anxiety and mental health have took a turn for the worse but in the process of fixing everything and actually trying to become mentally stable.

Thankfully I have Jeff who has stood by my side through this really rough time in my mind. And honestly I have been scared shitless that he is going to just get tired of my shit or tired of seeing my everyday and tired of me doing everything with him since I have been out of work that he is just going to leave. I have never cared or loved someone so much as I do him. He has been one of the most amazing men I have ever in my life come to get to know, to love and feel that he is my true soulmate.

We have talked about moving to Oregon! And just in me explaining how I have been thinking about things in my life he said he was down to make the move. At first he said he wanted to finish school which makes sense but then he said if I wanted to leave sooner, as I would like to do it sooner because I feel like if I don’t leave this place soon I am going to die. I have been thinking about that a lot lately. More so than usual especially when I was on the other medication. Where every little thing would just set me off. We had an incident at the movie theater which I am not very proud of. He was trying to be “considerate” to this girl in front of us by making me move my feet because she had turned around and it seemed like my feet were really bothering her but what he didn’t see was that she was actually on her phone on social media and whatnot during the whole previews of the movie and then when the movie started I made a comment to him about I thought he was being sweet but instead he was giving a shit about some random girl who he didnt even know what was really going on. So he walked out of the theater leaving me there [this was a friday night packed theater] well I immediately started having bad anxiety and I thought that I shouldn’t go chase after him because I know how much he hates that so I waited and counted. And I counted “one one thousand…. two one thousand until almost 5 mins had passed…” finally my anxiety was so bad that I decided to get up to find him and when I get out of the theater I just see him walking back from the middle area just casually walking slowly toward the theater and I freak out asking him where did he go and why did he leave me that I didn’t know if he left because we turned our phones off at the beginning of the movie and also I didn’t know if he was going to be in the bathroom or whatever and my head was spinning in a million circles and a million miles and I panicked and just started to cry and I was so embarrassed and so mad at myself that I couldn’t have just waited another 5 mins because of my anxiety so he suggests we go outside and from there and for the next 30/40 mins it was all tears…. strong desire to die and thinking that I really done it this time that he was going to leave me….. but instead he held me…. reassured me that even though all of this was happening that this was not me…. even though I just wanted to not exist anymore he still held me and still helped me to eventually calm down… then we ended up taking a uber home and that was that…. this incident didn’t ruin our weekend at all and we ended up having a relaxing saturday we just slept all day and chilled and then sunday we went to santa monica pier and that was really nice.

It’s very hard for me to let go and to truly believe that even after everything that he will not leave me. I mean it’s a stupid thing to think about when he has literally done everything to show me how he is here for me to help me though this really bad mental state I have been in. We even handled him having a actual manic episode which I think kind of combined everything between us. And he said and asked me to marry him which I most obviously said yes. We even went to the ER but he did not end up needing to be hospitalized or anything they just added a medication to his medications that he takes now and it turns out he is diabetic and anemic. So there are just things going on where because of my past I feel like I have the need to “keep” busy which is why I have been trying to re sign up for school.

Because my days at the moment don’t consist of much consistency which is what I want more than anything.

I can’t wait for things to not be this way for me in my mind. I can’t wait to be stable and I can’t wait to be his wife.

It’s little silly things like that that push me through on a day like today where he is sleeping all day and it’s hard because I know he is going though his own shit in his head but he doesn’t share everything always. I just want to be there for him even if he is feeling down and low. Because it is how I am feeling too.

Equanimity

mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation

My goal for the rest of this year is to go to therapy and classes. To study and read to achieve equanimity. I need to learn to control my anxiety and my anxious thoughts. I need to not worry so much about the future with Jeff and strictly go based off his actions and words. He has showed me nothing but love and acceptance even in the most difficult of moments. He does his best to understand me and then show me how my destructive thinking is hurting me. He’s been more than patience with me and has set high hopes for us and for our future. He loves me as much as I love him and I just have to be better about trusting him completely. There was some instances of me seeing him flirting with woman on Facebook and Instagram and I told him it made me feel disrespected. He’s just different in his mind from him having bipolar disorder he doesn’t see the world as I do. And he doesn’t see it as flirting as I do. But nevertheless he decided on his own without my suggestion to delete the apps off of his phone and take a break from social media for now. I was scared it was going to make him resent me but he promised he knew what he was doing and decided to take the break and told me to trust him. He’s not like the others this one. And I need to get it through my head. I need to let go and not be so worried that he’s going to change his mind about me. I know it has a lot to do with my borderline personality disorder but I luckily have an appt this month to go back to see my psychiatrist and also it’s been almost a month since I have restarted taking depression meds again. And I am back up to the dose I was taking before. My anxiety isn’t 100% as debilitating as before but I haven’t seen any real improvements with my mood as of yet. I know it takes time and I am not particularly patient. This is the love I have been waiting for my entire life he’s the one. And I feel it so deeply and so surely within my heart and mind and it scares the living shit out of me and excites me at the same time. I just want to feel normal and secure and my worry so much. If only telling myself NOT to worry would work.

March of the Pigs

So life has been a little crazy in my head as of late. I went on a week long stress levee from work. Had to go to a mental health urgent care facility to get back on meds. And returned to work today.

I can feel a slight difference in my mind but it’s really hard to tell because my anxiety is still really bad.

But in all of this I have Jeff who no matter what has been there for me this whole time. I am actually really truly in love with him. He has managed to crawl into every dark crevice of my heart and mind and light a candle. I have never experienced someone who has actually cared this much about me. Who actually wants to know all the bull shit ass shit my mind sometimes makes me believe. And has took it upon himself to guide me and help me through this shit.

When I look into his eyes I see a life of hope and a future that will be well lived and full of beautiful life. I always believed one day I would find him. This “mystical creature” who would calm the raging sea inside of me. And here he is wanting to spend his free time with me. Understanding me and learning everything about me. Making me feel loved and appreciated. Making me feel desired and sexy. And putting me in my place when needed be. I just feel like I’ve somehow won the lottery. And no matter what bullshit life may throw my way now I truly feel with him by my side I could survive anything. I can’t remember the last time I felt hopeful and happy.

Two weeks

Two weeks after that last post I met someone. The next night he kissed me. The next week we made love. The next 3 weeks we spent everyday in Long conversations about everything and anything and then went and saw one of our favorite bands NIN where later that night he asked me to be his girlfriend.

He has accepted me as I am with the "under construction" signs and all. Because he himself deals with mental illness and has shown me in this short time what it truly means to be open and honest and also show me what the fuck has been really going on with myself. Kinda funny how that works being so open with someone and you actually open up and see yourself. It's scary as hell but I just turned 30 Monday lol and I think I have been having a sort of crisis lol because goddamn it have I been thinking nonstop nonsense. My emotions have been fucked completely it's been difficult for me to focus at work. Its been nonstop tears and today for the first time I actually feel peaceful.
Jeff and I have spent every night together and after work since I moved in (renting a studio in his same apartment building) and my room has just become a storage for my things until I can fix it up. He sees me broken and crazy and says yes you are broken and yes you are crazy but so I am now let's keep moving. Don't trap yourself within your mind of negativity.
The man bought me socks for my bday because I said I needed to buy some 2/3 weeks before. And a book on mindfulness.
It's been 3 weeks or so since being together and last night I told him I loved him. Because I do. It's not like any love I have experienced for someone before. It's the type of real love that makes you rip apart your insides to show your true beautiful self. It's a feeling of comfort and also insanity because of how scary it is to feel this deeply for someone.

He was just telling me

I am almost in disbelief of what I am experiencing. Also because of it all and my job now being full time I have been going crazy with stress. I am looking for a therapist and psychiatrist. But even that is stressing me out lol I am a mess. But everything is not lost!
Let's see what the future brings!

The trick 

Maybe that's just it. Maybe all these things that my friends tell me or strangers have given advice on how to get a man or how not to scare him away don't matter because it's like they say to the right person you can do no wrong and to the wrong person you can never be right enough. Just thinking back to my last year and this year and the idiots that have come and gone. And yes I may have invested a bit too much because of who they were. I may have been a bit too excited off the bat because I thought I was meeting someone truly amazing. And in reality who I am as a person wasn't right and in turn "scared" these dudes away. Or made them ignore me or treat me like Shit and wala no real connection was made. Even with the relationships I've recently been in it's all been bullshit but you know what it does just make me stronger as a person and one day how ever soon or far it'll be ok. Because those who truly love me (like my best friends/family) accept me for who I am. All the parts of me and I'll never lessen myself or change who I am and I will continue to be myself and they will always accept me. Even when I am not making sense or thinking about shit in a fucked up way even when I am straight out wrong they will still accept me as I am. So that's my lesson to myself from here on out a reminder to be myself and not let the shit of the world change that. And one day I'll find a man who will accept all these parts of me too. Some food for thought happy Friday y'all. 

Such Great Heights

So last night I got news of a possible job offer that I will find out about before the end of this month if my name was chosen for this. If it is then I cannot leave to Oregon. But everything happens for a reason and if I am meant to stay then maybe my name will get picked. It is out of like 80,000 people and they are only picking 2300 people. So like I said the chance is slim. And I will know about it before I leave. My mom of course texted me that she hopes my name gets picked so I don’t move.

And all I feel like doing is crawling into a ball and crying. Because I feel so fucking confused about everything. I don’t know how I feel. So I am overanalyzing everything and overthinking everything and I just don’t know what to do. I mean technically there is nothing I can do right now I just have to wait to see what is going to happen with this job lotto drawing crap. And then see how that effects anything if at all…. And from there I was so damn sure of everything and now all I am is filled with tons of doubt. I fucking hate it. There is a huge knot in my throat and all I want is clarity. I don’t want to hurt anyone I just want everything to go the way it is supposed to. I just want everything to be alright already.

I’ll Never Be Your Beast To Burden

So these last two days have been quite low for me. It started as being irritated as shit Tuesday morning just for no reason I just noticed myself being really short with my best friends even though I had an interview with a job in Oregon for a hospital and I thought it went really well I still felt really sad. And my shortness became sadness and I just started to feel really insecure for no reason not just in myself but of the possibility of making what I want happen in the short amount of time I want it to.  And then today jesus I had just been an emo ass wreck! Crying over things that are actually sad and things that were nonexistent and I just cried for no reason. I went to the park [its actually an old small cemetery haha] across the street to chill out, sit in the sun and ended up getting into an argument with two ladies because they let their 3 small dogs roam free and shit over some tombstones and I felt it was extremely disrespectful and when the 2nd lady decided to say hi to me I just said their is more dog shit over there and they started getting all cranky and upset yelling at me because I had an issue. Well I shouldn’t have to explain why I am actually right in this situation I did not yell back although my voice did get loud telling the lady to just leave me alone lol and I did take both of their pictures just incase something did happen, which of course nothing did. But even last night it’s just I noticed that when I sink into this shit feeling were I am super sad and emotional and irritated.

JT said his cousin recommended taking Magnesium and I looked it up because I think it was the first I heard of using that for depression and anxiety and sure enough there is a lot of information about this supplement helping so I figured why not give it a shot. What do I have to lose especially considering because of my current circumstance my diet is shit lol I eat maybe once or twice a day and it might be a bowl of cereal of a cup of noodles lol so vitamins can only improve my overall health haha

Anyway I have had a few more jobs call from Oregon and that is exciting… I just want to be successful who doesn’t right?  I just want to know that I am making the best decision.  And also I just want it to fucking happen already lol I am the worse. I want to prove to a lot of people that I could do it who probably think yeah shes been talking about it for ever shes not going to move. Well they will see lol 🙂

JT said he might not work this weekend [he normally only has sunday off] and he joked so far 3 times about coming to see me. He said he would take the drive and surprise me lol I really really really want to see him to see what its like to just hang out with him the past two days we have been Video Chatting and that has been cool and weird considering I have never really video chatted with anyone but my niece. So it has been cool last night I had some weirdo dude follow me for a couple of blocks but thank god I was on the phone with JT and he stopped following me. Tonight should be an interesting walk home. I am surprised I have’t heard from him yet so hopefully I will soon lol

I am hooked I love talking to him what can I say? 00