The trick 

Maybe that’s just it. Maybe all these things that my friends tell me or strangers have given advice on how to get a man or how not to scare him away don’t matter because it’s like they say to the right person you can do no wrong and to the wrong person you can never be right enough. Just thinking back to my last year and this year and the idiots that have come and gone. And yes I may have invested a bit too much because of who they were. I may have been a bit too excited off the bat because I thought I was meeting someone truly amazing. And in reality who I am as a person wasn’t right and in turn “scared” these dudes away. Or made them ignore me or treat me like Shit and wala no real connection was made. Even with the relationships I’ve recently been in it’s all been bullshit but you know what it does just make me stronger as a person and one day how ever soon or far it’ll be ok. Because those who truly love me (like my best friends/family) accept me for who I am. All the parts of me and I’ll never lessen myself or change who I am and I will continue to be myself and they will always accept me. Even when I am not making sense or thinking about shit in a fucked up way even when I am straight out wrong they will still accept me as I am. So that’s my lesson to myself from here on out a reminder to be myself and not let the shit of the world change that. And one day I’ll find a man who will accept all these parts of me too. Some food for thought happy Friday y’all. 

Fudge

So after the conversation with JT yesterday it looks like I’m going to have to wait to move. Regardless of them calling my name or not. He was super pissed off about it and that’s understandable but just because of the situation it doesn’t mean that I never wanted to talk to him or see him and that’s kind of how he was putting it. 

I don’t know what’s going to happen with anything anymore. Everything happens for a reason and I guess I just got to stick to that thought and plan on moving after the fact. I have no idea ☹️

Such Great Heights

So last night I got news of a possible job offer that I will find out about before the end of this month if my name was chosen for this. If it is then I cannot leave to Oregon. I told JT today and of course he was really angry and sad that this has come at this time. But everything happens for a reason and if I am meant to stay then maybe my name will get picked. It is out of like 80,000 people and they are only picking 2300 people. So like I said the chance is slim. And I will know about it before I leave. My mom of course texted me that she hopes my name gets picked so I don’t move. JT said he is hoping my name doesn’t get called so I can move.

And all I feel like doing is crawling into a ball and crying. Because I feel so fucking confused about everything. I don’t know how I feel about JT anymore I don’t know if it is because of my anxieties with moving or because this has come up now and there is a small chance I wouldn’t be able to move. And even a small chance it could be because of JD as well because we haven’t really got to hang out either because he has been sick. So I am overanalyzing everything and overthinking everything and I just don’t know what to do. I mean technically there is nothing I can do right now I just have to wait to see what is going to happen with this job lotto drawing crap. And then see how that effects anything if at all…. And from there I don’t know…. I was so damn sure of everything and now all I am is filled with tons of doubt. I fucking hate it. There is a huge knot in my throat and all I want is clarity. I don’t want to hurt anyone I just want everything to go the way it is supposed to. I just want everything to be alright already.

Emotional 

Today was a very emotional and depression anxiety filled day. Meh. I cried so damn much over real and not real things.

I “talked” to my sons father about me moving and all he wrote back to me was “ok”. I told JT about me feeling depressed about missing my friends and he asked me if I even still wanted to move. I was having an anxiety attack on the bus on the way home I got super hot and had to basically throw off all my sweaters and beanie and I was video chatting with JT and he was like well I’m gonna go to sleep now. And hung up with me which is ok. I honestly think he doesn’t know quite how to handle my emotions.

I know everything is going to be alright eventually but I am scared as hell about the in between. I am scared of missing out on things when I leave. I am scared that it’s not going to be everything I wanted when I move. That I’m gonna put more distance and space between my son and I. And also that maybe things with JT might not go as I imagined. Yes I over think EVERYTHING and I want to believe that’s what this is. And not my intuition trying to stop me from making mistakes. I don’t know.

Like I said today has been a fucking day.

Also I’ve made friends with a new soul he’s actually my best friends, best friends cousin. JD. He’s a lost soul and having a hard time coping with life and I can only hope that my friendship and the love and care I have in my heart for people can maybe make his life a little brighter. I like to be to people what I wish people were for me when I was going through the thick of it even now. Having someone there for you during really hard times can really make a world of difference. And maybe he can help me with my irrational or maybe rational anxieties about everything who knows.

He’s a good person on a beaten path.

The plan is for me to be leaving June 2nd.

Fuck.

Oh Brother.

So I found out last night that JT is still married -_-  he said he just found out that he didn’t know but that is a lie because he told my best friend the night we met him that he was still married. He also flipped out on my for asking about it but then calmed down and apologized tremendously for being a dick and hurting my feelings. He thought I was saying that I didn’t want to talk to him anymore because of it. So he made a promise he would call today to see if in fact he is and of course he called today and he is in fact still married -_- . He does not have any contact with her because of a court order they were married for 14 years and they have an 12 year old daughter together who he hasnt got to see in over a year.

I am not one to judge someones situation and he is honestly one of the nicest men I have talked to who is actually understanding towards my emotions and always tries to cheer me up and understand me and why I am feeling the way I do. He offered to drive from Oregon to here to come and get me and all of my things because I was super stressed out about how I was going to ship all of my things and affording everything. And then today I went to court to find out I can get my license back! Which is amazing because I thought I was going to have to pay a ton of money to get it back but in fact that is not true. So I told him that I would pay to rent a car so that way we could save money on gas and he also mentioned today that he is going t file for divorce. He told me that he doesn’t want anything to come between us and he was sorry about it and not telling me.

Honestly I have no idea what the future holds between us but I can’t just dismiss someone because they have a shitty past. I have a pretty shitty past and I wouldn’t want someone to judge me for it. I try to be understanding and open minded to everything and I thing he is pretty good on keeping his word, as he hasn’t shown me any reason he is not. After all I am but a human and if he wants to take me seriously then of course why would I not pursue this?

I can’t believe he said he was still down to drive here to get me so I wouldn’t have to drive alone back up to Oregon cuz it is an 18 hr drive. He said we can also stop places to sight see I am actually really fucking excited and cannot wait. I reserved the car for June 1st! And the count down to me moving begins!!! I cannot believe it lol

I hope that he continues to show me that even though there are things that we are still and will continue to learn about each other that he is willing to be open to hearing my feelings and trying to understand the way I think about things. I would definitely say last night was not a fight exactly but it was kinda a fight. Although he realized he was being a huge ass to me almost immediately. He felt really horrible for making me cry and just wanted to do anything he could to make it better. I of course being who I am I was pissed that he acted that way I know it is a sensitive subject but jesus so I kinda just ignored him and was short with him up until today because I was so stressed the fuck out about him still being married, the fact that my sons father still hasn’t got back to me! And also court!

So today I made a semi-solid plan to leave June 1st – and got my court things taken care of now next week I have to register with the community service people so that way I can complete those hours so I don’t have to pay the $300 for my ticket.  And basically map out my plan for the month to make sure I am saving money and I have the money for gas for the trip.

I think this is the slowest I have ever fallen for someone :O I can’t believe I just admitted that haha we’ve been talking almost 2 months and I know he feels the same but he doesn’t push it and he is consistent. He gives me as much attention as possible I most definitely see his effort and I am scared but also very excited at what is to come. Anything is possible! Fingers crossed this fool gets the divorce like he says he is going to do. Fingers crossed friends!

Golden Slumbers

So this weekend was unexpected go a little too drunk Saturday but all in all I had a lot of fun. I really shouldn’t be drinking like that until I black out but I was with my best friends and I know I was ok and safe to just let go but I really shouldn’t. I feel bad because JT and I were talking the night before and then I didn’t get ahold of him until almost 3pm the next day because that’s when I woke up. I had the worse all day hang out yesterday and still today my mood is very low. JT finally got his gift that I sent to him and my bestie in OR is telling me I should just buy a plane ticket and worry about everything once I get out there. She can guarantee me a temporary job somewhere while I find myself a job which is cool I mean this is exactly what I wanted yet I am scared shitless that it is going to happen soon.  My goal was June and I have this whole month left to figure shit out and make it work.

I just want to cry today man. FUCK. I am questioning everything and just feeling very out of it. I do more than anything want to move still but now I feel scared and I don’t know who to talk to about it that would understand or that would be able to give me good advice on the subject. I already know my family is going to hate me for moving even though I told them I was going to because I am leaving without my son who I haven’t seen since Christmas. I feel like a terrible mother to him because I haven’t seen him but I know that he is ok and he is taken care of by his father and fathers wife. He has siblings and a family that sticks together who can provide him with a childhood that I cannot. All I can provide for him is inconsistency and disappointment and it would make more sense if I moved to another state if even for a year if it means that in the future things will be better for my son and for me. As I sit here at work updating this crying to myself because of this.

JT keeps telling me everything will be alright. Did I mention he is 11 years older than me? I am not sure if I ever did. He apparently told the Oregon guy that him and I were talking but I didn’t really get the details of what he said. And he didn’t really brought it up again and honestly I just haven’t been in the mood to talk much about anything. My funky mood started last Monday and I think because I drank myself stupid the depression and anxiety has crawled into this week. And I just feel very slow and like I don’t want to do shit but hide in a dark corner and cry. But I am not doing that I am at work, although yes with a headache and probably a poor attitude because I am not the smiling ray of sunshine I normally can be. It’s like feel sick but the sickness is in your mind.

I told JT sorry for me being this way and well I don’t think he knows exactly what to do except to tell me that everything will be ok. I guess in those moments that all you could ask for really if someone doesn’t know what to say.

I just hope I am not making a mistake by moving. FUCK.

Like which is it. My mind over analyzing everything to make it into this huge ball of scary stress, like every time I have ever made the realization that I needed to leave a relationship lol but didn’t have the means to balls to do it in those moments. That’s how I feel like I feel I should just go and figure it out but I am scared shitless of making the wrong decision. I am scare of leaving my family and something happening while I am not here. I am scared of leaving my son although I feel like I already have as these past couple of years my time with him has dwindled to holidays and birthdays. I am scared of the regret I might feel in doing something like this. Some people I know would never think to move to another state to make things better and at the same time I know a ton of people who have already moved to other states because of that.

I feel like I am not making sense and it is making me feel fucking frustrated. I just wish I could have a sign that I was making a right choice. I am not religious but believe in universal energy and fuck could I use a sign!

I’ll Never Be Your Beast To Burden

So these last two days have been quite low for me. It started as being irritated as shit Tuesday morning just for no reason I just noticed myself being really short with my best friends even though I had an interview with a job in Oregon for a hospital and I thought it went really well I still felt really sad. And my shortness became sadness and I just started to feel really insecure for no reason not just in myself but of the possibility of making what I want happen in the short amount of time I want it to.  And then today jesus I had just been an emo ass wreck! Crying over things that are actually sad and things that were nonexistent and I just cried for no reason. I went to the park [its actually an old small cemetery haha] across the street to chill out, sit in the sun and ended up getting into an argument with two ladies because they let their 3 small dogs roam free and shit over some tombstones and I felt it was extremely disrespectful and when the 2nd lady decided to say hi to me I just said their is more dog shit over there and they started getting all cranky and upset yelling at me because I had an issue. Well I shouldn’t have to explain why I am actually right in this situation I did not yell back although my voice did get loud telling the lady to just leave me alone lol and I did take both of their pictures just incase something did happen, which of course nothing did. But even last night it’s just I noticed that when I sink into this shit feeling were I am super sad and emotional and irritated.

JT said his cousin recommended taking Magnesium and I looked it up because I think it was the first I heard of using that for depression and anxiety and sure enough there is a lot of information about this supplement helping so I figured why not give it a shot. What do I have to lose especially considering because of my current circumstance my diet is shit lol I eat maybe once or twice a day and it might be a bowl of cereal of a cup of noodles lol so vitamins can only improve my overall health haha

Anyway I have had a few more jobs call from Oregon and that is exciting… I just want to be successful who doesn’t right?  I just want to know that I am making the best decision.  And also I just want it to fucking happen already lol I am the worse. I want to prove to a lot of people that I could do it who probably think yeah shes been talking about it for ever shes not going to move. Well they will see lol 🙂

JT said he might not work this weekend [he normally only has sunday off] and he joked so far 3 times about coming to see me. He said he would take the drive and surprise me lol I really really really want to see him to see what its like to just hang out with him the past two days we have been Video Chatting and that has been cool and weird considering I have never really video chatted with anyone but my niece. So it has been cool last night I had some weirdo dude follow me for a couple of blocks but thank god I was on the phone with JT and he stopped following me. Tonight should be an interesting walk home. I am surprised I have’t heard from him yet so hopefully I will soon lol

I am hooked I love talking to him what can I say? 00

Comfortable 

So Jt on Friday hung out with Oregon guy and basically ignored me. Yesterday during the day when he finally got another of me I straightout explained what it was about the situation that upset me and it actually went well. He was extremely caring to the fact he hurt my feelings and took the time to make sure I was not upset at him. I told him eventually this Oregon guy is gonna find out that Jt and I have been basically talking since I got back from Oregon which has been every single day now going on 1 month I believe. And he told me that I was right and that it was a silly mistake on his part that while he was hanging out with Oregon guy he should have just kept talking to me. After all he was helping Oregon guy move in with one of the girls he’s been dating after coming back from the parnity test from his ex. 

Last night I went out with Mc n Jc and had a lot of profounding thoughts about JT. We even talked while I was out he was quite understanding and trusted me like he had known me all his life. And that meant a lot to me. He has been growing on me and it’ll be interesting to see where this goes. We have a lot of plans to get to and I just wish I could move to Oregon sooner. It’s weird the comfort he provides even when I’m not saying anything and he’s just talking about random Shit. I’m currently waiting for him to call me back lol so I can bask in that comfortablness. I don’t know what it’s going to be like when we meet again but I’m nervous as hell and very excited 😊 

Street Encounters

So these last two weeks I have been working and have been staying with my dad which has turned out to be quite alright. Although taking the bus late at night is the only thing that sucks about it everything has still been alright.

I have kept in my mind about my move to Oregon tomorrow will finally be my payday and I am not even sure how in the hell I have managed to make my life work off of $40 lol the last two weeks. It has been crazy for sure. I even had some things change in terms of this guy I had been talking to since August. Yes I know my ex and I broke up over [only] a month ago but our relationship was shit. I have a problem loving the wrong kind of man who just uses my niceness and takes advantage of my emotional state and I become this hermit unable to take a leap out of the situation. I have no said one word/text nothing to my ex and I plan to keep it that way. He is a horrible shitty selfish person and I want nothing to do with him after everything he put me through and that is ok. I don’t deserve to have someone like that in my life. Well my I had met my ex in October, but this other guy I had met on my trip to Oregon in August and the story of how everything happened was kind of movie like and unreal. Of course there was a reason behind it but let me tell you the short story about him.

I met him in August and lost contact with him immediately only to find out the dude went to jail for a dui he had. So I sent him a postcard [yes to jail yes that is crazy] and a month or so later he ended up texting me. Said he wouldn’t be able to even visit me until November and then didn’t really talk to me much after that so I kept on with my online dating and ended up meeting my ex in October. I told the Oregon guy about it and he kinda left me alone up until December when he hit me up and told me he still wanted to me in my life no matter what. I was really going through it in my relationship its when shit was just at the worse and so I started just talking to the Oregon guy nothing inappropriate but he would tell me often how he just wanted to see me and hang out with me and whatnot. Well long story short in February my ex and had another big fight resulting in me being in tears feeling like shit because he just would not give me attention. He would literally sit at his computer or on his phone for HOURS ALL DAY [he didnt work] and only look up to me for me to pack a bowl [of weed lol] so I told him fuck it I am going to Oregon and he said fine. So I planned this trip to go within a couple of weeks and I was so excited to get to see my best friend who lives in Oregon and also to spend some time with this dude to see how genuine he was about everything.  Anyway my ex didn’t really give a shit about me going and the second week of March I went to Oregon. I did meet up with him and at first while we were out drinking he was very verbal about how much he was in love with me and all this other stuff. Also while I was there I met his friend JT who’s older and ended up one of those drinking nights giving us a ride to my best friends house because he lives in the same city as her. I had my suspicions of the Oregon guy that there was just something off or something I was not seeing clearly.

As you may or may not know the day I got back from Oregon my ex broke up with me, as in as soon as I walked in the door. He was a horrible asshole about it all very immature the things he said to me during that last night/day there. And even in the weeks after with me getting the rest of my stuff back. Well as soon as it happened I messaged Oregon guy, I would have thought he would be happy it ended because here he was telling me he wanted to be with me. Well in those 2 weeks after I got back from Oregon I did not hear very much if at all anything from him. He was “busy” working and doing things in his life. And I added JT on facebook knowing that him and Oregon guy were really good friends. And JT just happened to ask me when I added him what was going with Oregon guy and I told him that I hadn’t heard from him and how I thought that was strange considering everything that happened. And I told him about my relationship ending and how depressed I was over everything that was happening in my life. So he said he understood and wanted to be there for me because he enjoyed talking to me and he was very sweet about everything so we just kept talking. Now fast forward to last week, JT happened to run into my best friend at a local pizza place and talked to her for a few hours about none other than ME. And how he likes me and all this other stuff about Oregon guy how hes a drunk and this and that. Well my best friend didn’t really mention the details of their conversation and that’s ok I didn’t think much of it until I was talking to JT on the phone and he casually mentions that Oregon guy had some girl from out of state there the weekend before. So I asked Oregon guy if he has been dating anyone recently and he said not really. I have been busy.  To which I reply “not really” -_- is that a yes.

Now side note here if you are still with me I have been feeling VERY gulity this whole time talking to JT because here I thought him and Oregon guy had been really good friends [like my best friend and I have been for 11 years] turns out they actually met in jail in September and since hes been mostly using JT for borrowing money and rides when he gets too wasted. So I message JT Monday and I tell him straight out look this is whats been happening and going on and its bugging me that you said Oregon guy had some chick there [because he plays the part of being this “country” type sweetheart] and so he told me he wanted to call me to talk to me. So I kind of avoided calling him because I didnt know what he was going to say about everything and when I finally did call him holy hell I was NOT prepared for what he was going to say thats for damn sure.

Apparently Oregon guy has been fucking and seeing regularly 4 other women including his ex who MIGHT be preggo with his baby [she was also sleeping with someone else on the regular and they don’t know whos baby it is yet] and that that’s what he does this Oregon guy he gets drunk and just fucks whomever and doesn’t settle and it caused drama that in the short time JT has known him he has had other girls hit him up to say the same shit. Not only that but he told JT that he thought I was clingy and how he DID NOT WANT ME TO MOVE TO OREGON! and this was all after last week he actually told my best friend he wanted to date me when I moved up there. LOL Now keep in mind I had a feeling he might have been seeing someone else just not a string of others and I was so fucking pissed off because I felt dumb for falling for his bullshit and for thinking he was that sweet country type dude who just wanted to be with me. HA! What an idiot right!? Well at that moment I put JT on speaker and immediately messaged the OR guy that I didnt want anything to do with him. And that when I moved to OR I didn’t want to see him or talk to him or nothing. He begged for an explanation and I told him he didnt deserve one. That he lied to my best friend and that I thought he was a pos. Also keep in mind he has no idea that me and JT talk either. And while this idiot was messaging me and begging me to explain telling me that I am making a huge mistake because there could have been something great between us HA! He was messaging JT at those exact moments talking about his ex being preggo and how if its his he will quit drinking because they have been getting along! UGH! lol I was so fucking upset!!! lol Oregon guy had the nerve to tell me I was treating him unfairly LOL and I just sent him a link to Beyonce – Sorry lol and Taking Back Sunday – Cute without the E.

So JT straight out told me he was like I felt so bad when you came to OR because I knew what was going on and in talking to you and finding out you are such a normal nice person and in liking you I couldn’t lie to you about this. Because you would have moved up here thinking it was one way and he would have just broke your heart! And it is true I have a lot of respect for him for telling me. And it’s just absolutely crazy how this has all happened.

Now side note about JT lol we have been chatting nothing inappropriate or anything but we have been talking everyday between his lunches/breaks/work/my work/my schedule. And I started liking him and enjoy talking to him which is why I felt so guilty and I even told JT that and that is why he was like please don’t feel guilty.  Which is when he told me everything which apparently he already told my bestie everything when he seen her but she wanted him to tell me. Because she knew it would hurt me. And he told her that he would want to be with me because I am so awesome and this and that lol which is just crazy considering that my mind has been on the OR guy wondering that the hell has been going on and why he hasnt been talking to me at all.

So in the past week [it was monday me and JT had that convo.] we still talk the same lol he goes to work at 4:30am and messages me every morning when he is on his way to work, and then we chat for a little on his break at 9 am then on his lunch at 12 then on his other break at 2 then when he gets off of work before he goes to the gym then after the gym. Sometimes hes stayed up even tho he has to work at 4:30 because I get off of work at 9:30pm and it takes me two hours to get home. But in this past week I have taken notice in a different way of him lol and interestingly enough as my best friend put it lol he is the male version of me! lol It is true in some aspects for sure lol and it has been tripping me out!

Tomorrow is his birthday and I am planning on sending him something but what I am not sure. I have never had a man I was not with or dating communicate with me so much! And I have been telling him EVERYTHING lol in the past month that we have been chatting every single day. He is always positive and always knows the right things to say. He even told me that when I came to OR he was checking me out. Honestly I was paying much attention to him when I met him. So it is just interesting because even though I know how he feels because of what he told my bestie but he isn’t bombarding me with it lol at all actually. And I appreciate that he has told me how excited he is for me to move up there and how we are going to do so much cool shit together which we had already talked about before all of this.

So the point of all of this is I don’t know! A long short not as short because there is just too much to explain. Life is a crazy trip and I don’t know what is going to happen. The idea of it kind of makes me nervous. But he is a really awesome nice guy and I am glad he told me everything he did, even if it was because he likes me, because I like him. He said he might visit me on one of his long weekends lol I don’t know how serious he is about that but that would actually be kind of cool lol because I honestly can even think to myself how tall he is lol or things like that and he isn’t very great at taking pics lol of himself so it’s all just kind of crazy and funny and I don’t know what the hell is going to happen.

I also wonder to myself considering that OR guy and him are still friends when OR guy finds out that me and JT have been talking lol this whole time and more than that that JT is interested in me lol

Well hopefully he’ll have a baby to worry about. I want nothing to do with him and hopefully that relationship fizzles between them because honestly he doesn’t sound like he is much of a friend to JT.

That is all for now friends. Until more crazy shit goes down lol

If not one thing then its another

So as I have stated before I moved back into my moms and have been sleeping on the floor in my sister’s room because the room I would normally sleep in which is the computer room but she has been remodeling her computer room very very slowly. And I am almost positive it would have been done sooner but she doesn’t want me sleeping on her new hard wood floors. So today while I was sitting in front on the porch which is something I do everyday because I just do not have a space to be there accept on the dining room table she came outside and told me we need to move your stuff out of your sisters room. It’s not right for you to be in there bothering her with her two kids. [My sister is unemployed with two young kids and has been living off my mother since they were born and has always relied on her I have always throughout my life has issues with the special treatment my sister gets in comparison to me] She told me well we need to move the things out but I don’t want your stuff in the hallway or in the computer room so I don’t know what to do. And then she told me basically she was going to talk to my dad who has an extra room [for my little brother who’s 13 and stays over on the weekends] Long story short looks like I am going to moving in to my dads tomorrow with the rest of my things.

Honestly? I am feeling shitty about it. I know I am an inconvenience to the situation and my mom is tired of helping me. I know she pawned me off on my dad.

Although it will be nice not to have to sleep on the floor anymore. I don’t know what to expect being there. I just want to ball up in a corner and cry. I am feeling very emotional and overwhelmed.

On another note I did get all my things back from my ex. Like I said if it’s not one thing it’s another. And maybe tomorrow I will feel better about it but right now I am not sure I have enough words.